So here’s why I undertook this paleo experiment:
I will not lie. I love carbs. As a kid, I thought meat was weird: the texture, the smell, the way it looks. But alas, a woman who lives by carbs alone becomes, at least in my case, a low energy woman. Additionally, being a woman of un certain age, as the French so delicately put it—or “cinquenta-misterio” as a Cuban friend says—I don’t love the layer of blub that collects below the ribs.
Regular readers (thank you, by the way) know or have probably guessed that I am not a huge meat fan and that I AM a huge Clean Eating magazine fan. In addition to a lot of very fine recipes, every issue features a one-week menu plan. Ooooh, I’m such a sucker for a menu plan. To this day, I have never followed one all the way through because they usually have a) too much chicken, or b) too many leftovers. Foodwise, I love novelty.
But in the January/February issue, they provided a paleo plan, and I thought, ok. My paleo experiment can begin.
Now one thing you should know is that I decided to tackle this one prior to a road trip. We went to the west side of the state to see S’s family, and we typically bring all of our food, because the part of Michigan that we’re going to isn’t exactly Clean Eating Paradise. So everything was put together the day before and orchestrated to be portable. Since the road trip was Wednesday-Thursday, that’s where I started.
Here’s what I ate, along with a very honest evaluation, and a wholly personal end verdict.
My Paleo Experiment: The Morning
Breakfast: Chia Pear Pudding
Can you tell by the way I tried to tart that photo up—flowers, a pretty bowl, photoshop—that chia pudding is just damn ugly? It’s a weird color, a slimy texture, and not much in the flavor department even with a very ripe pear added. The chia seeds are supposed to make this filling, and I guess they do, but you know what? There is way too much good food out there to subject yourself to stuff you don’t like. And I know some people totally dig the chia. They like the way it sort of slips down your throat like an oyster. So, my chia-loving friends, more for you!! I’m not making this one again.
Mid-morning snack: 2 Garlicky Crab-Stuffed Mushrooms with 1 Tbsp. Kimchi
I hate fermented food. Steve loves sauerkraut and kombucha and is altogether quite virtuous in the food department, but I think both those things are gross. Kimchi’s a little better, because the spiciness masks the ickiness. As is often the case, it’s a texture thing with me, so I chop the hell out of the kimchi. In this case, I mixed it in with the crab, which was from a can and not an insanely expensive batch of lump crabmeat, which of course I’d prefer, but I’m not insane, which I believe is a requirement if one is going to pay for lump crabmeat at something like 30 bucks a pound. This was surprisingly yummy and filling, so huzzah to a new high protein low carb snack, except I have to have the damn crabmeat. I dunno. I think a lobster tail would be cheaper.
My Paleo Experiment: The Afternoon
Lunch: New Fashioned Cobb Salad
Ok, this salad ROCKED. It’s easy for me to get out of salad mode because frankly to make a good one takes some effort, but this was completely worthwhile. The only thing I changed was to not add the water to the dressing, because as I’ve said before, adding water to salad in any way is dumb.
Afternoon snack: Chocolate Energy Bites and a green apple
I was so satisfied from the salad and mushrooms earlier that I decided to save these for dessert, bc I do like a little sweetness after dinner. Also, obviously, I couldn’t find a green apple. When I did have them, they were also excellent. The recipe for these is at the bottom of this one for Golden Milk Cheesecakes, and those things are ridiculous and you need to make some as soon as you have the ingredients.
My Paleo Experiment: The Evening
So along about dinner time, I’m thinking, hey, I can really get with this whole paleo thing, because so far, everything but that chia pudding has been fine. And then we get to….
And this was terrible. I’m sorry, so sorry to report it. It’s partly my fault. I didn’t skin the sausage, and that’s just stupid. In trying to hew as closely to the original as possible (in the name of SCIENCE), I actually followed a recipe instead of listening to my instincts. I acted, according to the philosophy espoused by moi on the website, completely against my principles. For heck’s sake, I know how to roast vegetables. I also knew that the parsnips I was finding were absolutely horrible, but I tried to cook them anyway.
I ended up with a barely edible mess. Steve and I sort of soldiered through a little bit of it, then put it aside (I did find a way to use it by chopping it fine, which always works, and turning it into a quiche filling) and ate our little chocolate bites later. Though honestly, we weren’t that hungry, so it worked out ok.
My Paleo Experiment: Day 2
Next day: For breakfast, there is no way I’m going to bake an egg in an avocado. Also, I realized how much I hate breakfast that isn’t a smoothie. We all get into these little ruts, but honestly, we stay in some of them because they work for us. So I guess in that case, they’re not ruts so much as they’re nicely-worn paths. But I did have egg and avocado for breakfast. On the road, I had one of those cheesecakes, a reward that I needed, because I was starting to feel that weird aggressive edginess that I feel whenever I eat too much protein. Carbs make you nicer!!
For lunch, the listed meal was a bag of broccoli slaw stir fried with pork, which I don’t eat (except for that occasional bacon temptation which I can completely live without). I had to use up the extra crabmeat, so I put that in and the result was about as good as it sounds, which is not good at all.
And then we were home, and I said, hell with it.
My Paleo Experiment: The Upshot
So my paleo thing didn’t really work. I imagine you can do vegan paleo but….you know, I just think food’s too fun to get quite that rule-bound.
But still, I have an event coming up and would like to be in a little better fighting shape. So my experiments will continue, and I’ll be reporting back to you. And if you should try this or another plan and get interesting results, please report back to me.